The Felt-Tip Pen That Won the Moon

The moon landing story we know is already pretty kickass: Apollo 11 rode a trail of fire to the moon, stabbed it in the heart with an American flag, won the universe for the USA and sailed home on rockets fueled by eagle blood. Every kindergartener knows that. But behind the scenes, things weren’t quite so perfect. For example, did you know Buzz Aldrin nearly murdered all three of the astronauts with one misstep?

While bumbling around the Eagle, Aldrin stepped on a switch. Which switch? The circuit breaker that would power the ship off the moon in order to rendezvous with Michael Collins in the Columbia. That switch. In fact, we have the transcript documenting how the whole thing went down:

Aldrin: Houston, Tranquility. Do you have a way of showing the configuration of the engine arm circuit breaker? Over. (Pause) The reason I’m asking is because the end of it appears to be broken off. I think we can push it back in again. I’m not sure we could pull it out if we pushed it in, though. Over.

Don’t let the tone fool you — the conversation was the equivalent of the Titanic calmly asking if there was a way to repair an iceberg stab wound. Since the breaker for the engine was the only thing that could fire the engine to get them off the moon, Aldrin inadvertently Apollo Thirteened the whole mission. After telling mission control, they were advised to sleep a few hours while Houston came up with a plan to fire Eagle back up. As if pondering the implications of getting Gilligan’s Islanded on the moon was good nap fuel.

The Tiny Thing That Saved the Day:Instead of catching some shut eye, Aldrin weighed their options. He couldn’t use his finger or anything with a metal tip because the circuit was electrical; he’d fry the ship. Ultimately, Aldrin MacGyvered the situation with a simple solution: a felt-tip pen. He found that an ordinary pen could fit in nicely where the breaker once was. And it was a good thing, because if it hadn’t, the triumph of the American space program could have ended in a crippling tragedy. And we’d probably all be Soviets by now.

Those Who Matter

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you’ll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’sworth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Acheivements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends whohave helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people youenjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up alot of space and resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can’tseem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going backto Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks …Troubled User
——-
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator torun EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program filesfrom the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 installed and work on improving the configuration. I suggest installing the background application YesDear 99.0 to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of actionis to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to do this before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, but beware because sometimes these applications can be expensive.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
WARNING!!! Attempting to install NewGirlFriend 8.8 along with Wife 1.0 will crash the system.
(see Wife 1.0 manual, Apologize, High Maintenance & Secretary with Short Skirt)

Real High School Essay Quotes

-His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant
-From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and ‘Jeopardy’ comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.
-Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a DrPepper can.
-He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
-Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
-Shots rang out, as shotsare wont to do.
-The plan was simple, likemy brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
-Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter.
-She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
-Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that hadtwo sides compressed bya Thigh Master.
-The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
-The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set to medium.
-It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
-He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, asif she were a garbage truck backing up.
-She was as easy as the ‘TV Guide’ crossword.
-Her eyes were like limpidpools, only they had forgotten to put in any pHcleanser.
-She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
-It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.”

Psychiatric Helpline

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number youpress, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hangup our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up

The Pesky Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £ 50.00.
“Why so little,” she askedthe pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it homeand hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, andsaid, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Alex”.

Fairies are…

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,”For being such an exemplary married coupleand for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you eacha wish.”
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and ‘ abracadabra! ‘ two tickets for the new Queen Mary 2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and – abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story…
Men might be ungrateful idiots…
But fairies are….female!

The Fine Line between a Good Friend and a Best Friend

Good Friend-Hands you your shoe if it falls off.
Best Friend-Grabs your shoe and runs around the room with it,screaming”Ha, ha, loser!”
Good Friend-Helps you up if you fall down.
Best Friend-Will stand beside you laughing, because they pushed you you over in the first place.
Good Friend-Will rush over right away to comfort you if you’re house burns down.
Best Friend-Will be roasting marshmallows over the coals and flirtingwith the firemen.
Good Friend-Will pay your bail if you’re arrested for DUI.
Best Friend-Is sitting in the cell beside you, saying “Great party, huh?”
Good Friend-Will call your parents by their first names.
Best Friend-Will call your parents ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’.
Good Friend-Knocks on your door and wits for youto answer.
Best Friend-Walks right inand says “Mom, I’m home!”
Good Friend-Acts like a guest at your house.
Best Friend-Raids your refridgerator and makes themselves at home.
Good Friend-Will watch what’s already on the TV.
Best Friend-Will wrestle your little brother for the remote.
Good Friend-Waits for you after school if you get detention.
Best Friend-Will get themselves in trouble just to land themselves in detention to keep you company.
Good Friend-Will help you with your chores.
Best Friend-Will stand behind you and say “You missed a spot.”
Good Friend-Will lend you money and not expect you to pay them back.
Best Friend-Will lend you money and then charge interest.
Good Friend-Will comfort you if your boyfriend breaks up with you.
Best Friend-Will say “Be right back”, go out with a baseball bat, come back at 3:00 in the morning andsay “It’s all been taken care of.”
Good Friend-Will have little “inside jokes” with you.
Best Friend- Will randomlybreak out laughing because of some “inside joke” you guys had last week.
Good Friend-Will come andget you if you call to say you’re lost.
Best Friend-Will call you an idiot for not asking directions.
Good Friend-Will try to talk you out of bungee-jumoing off the Empire State Building.
Best Friend-Will tie the bungee cord themselves and then push you off.
Good Friend-Disagrees if you say words can’t hurt you.
Best Friend- Hits you overthe head with the dictionary to prove you wrong.
Good Friend-Would give you the last life jacket ona sinking ship.
Best Friend-Would say “I hope you can swim, and ifnot, I’ll really f***ing miss you.”
Good Friend-Will ask if you’re okay, and when you say “I’m fine” they’ll drop it.
Best Friend-Will ask if you’re okay, and when you say “i’m fine”, they’ll look you in the eye and say “Okay, now tell the truth.”